Navigating Parental Challenges: A Story of Childhood Anxiety
Shelly sat at the kitchen table looking at her twelve-year-old son Tim. They were already running ten minutes late for school. Still in his pajamas, tears in his eyes, Tim yelled: “I won’t go. I can’t go. They are so mean to me. No one wants to sit with me. You have to send me to a different school.”
Feeling frustrated and powerless, Shelly’s eyes also filled with tears. Then she yelled at him: “I can’t take this anymore. You must go to school. Staying home is not an option.”
Tim ran to his room and then a few minutes later hugged his mother and said, “I am so sorry I upset you mom.”
When I met with Shelly, she asked me “Is this all my fault? I am anxious too. He must get it from me. I feel so inadequate as a parent. I am so ashamed, and I worry that he is going to be like this for the rest of his life.”
Understanding Childhood Anxiety and Its Impact on Families
While it is completely normal to be upset when your child is suffering, Shelly’s own intense reactions not only make it worse for her anxious child, it also impacts the whole family. Her husband and two other sons are concerned about how Tim is affecting their wife and mother.
From kindergarten to college and at every point in between, anxiety can make kids miserable, impair their education and turn family life upside down. Twenty percent of children are born with an anxious temperament, and many may be diagnosed with anxiety. However, the number of children and adolescents experiencing anxiety has grown in recent years. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 31.9% of adolescents now have some form of anxiety. With an estimated 8.3% having severe impairment.
In addition to acting out, anxious children may have a variety of physical symptoms – racing heart, feeling faint or dizzy (but not actually fainting), feeling hot or flushed, breaking out in a sweat (not caused by either room temperature or physical exertion). All are caused by increased levels of cortisol – the primary stress hormone that enabled our ancestors to fight or flee when faced with danger. And all add to both the child’s and parent’s distress.
So what can parents do to dial down their own distress so they can more effectively help their anxious child and keep the stress from spreading to other family members?
Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First!
Five Tools to Manage Parental Stress in the Face of Child Anxiety
Here are five quick tools that helped Shelly manage her own stress response. I hope you’ll try them if you’re feeling overwhelmed by your child’s anxiety.
1. Time-outs are not just for children:
The next time you feel upset, pause and take a time-out. This tool can be used quickly to help you gain control of your feelings and interrupt a potentially unproductive reaction. When your child is distressed or acting out, excuse yourself, telling your child that you will be back with them shortly. (This assumes your child is old enough to be left alone briefly.) Then go to a quiet place in your house where you won’t be disturbed.
2. Balloon breaths:
This exercise uses deep breathing from the diaphragm, which research has linked to relaxation. Sometimes just a moment or two of slow breathing can soften a reaction.
Lie down and put one hand on your stomach and one on your chest. Inhale (think “in”) and notice your diaphragm (just below your ribcage) expanding like a balloon. Exhale (think “out”) and imagine the balloon flattening as your diaphragm draws in. Let your breathing be relaxed not forced. Repeat ten times. Once you’ve become comfortable with this technique, you can do this sitting or even standing up.
3. Follow with an okay signal:
When you’ve followed the steps above and are in a more relaxed state, you can memorize this feeling of being okay—maybe even more than okay.
First, touch the thumb and forefinger of either hand together to make an okay sign. Then whenever you feel your thumb and forefinger touch, you can remember how it feels to be relaxed, to know that you really are safe and secure, and that everything is okay right now. Even if it is not ok, you can handle it. It can be comforting to know that you can use this okay signal in the future if your child is overwhelmed with anxiety. Sensing that you are okay in that moment can help you handle your child’s behavior more confidently and calmly in the future.
4. Self-Talk:
If you’re feeling stressed and anxious, try telling yourself some comforting thoughts like: “Every parent makes mistakes, but I am learning to handle myself and my children better.” “I can endure this.” “These feelings of mine are transient, and my child’s reactions are transient.” “It’s unlikely that there’s anything seriously wrong with my child that can’t be treated.”
5. Future focusing:
Imagine that you are going forward to a time in the future, past the current struggle with your child. See yourself in the future – calm, serene and feeling okay. The worry, the anger, sadness, guilt – or whatever uncomfortable emotions you are experiencing – have passed and you are again in control of your responses. You are engaging with your child with ease and confidence. Allow yourself to enjoy the moment and to feel those wonderful, positive feelings of satisfaction and that life is easier.
Building a Calmer Future for You and Your Child
I can promise you that if you use these tools regularly, your reactions will change. The wonderful neuroplasticity of our brains allows us to form new mental pathways – to literally change our brains –so that we can create new habits and new habitual ways of responding to stressful situations.
This is especially true for our children. That’s why when you are calm enough that you can calmly help your children practice new behaviors, they too can gradually lessen their anxiety and change their responses in social situations.
Once you’re calmer, what can you do to help your child? First, consider the excellent advice I received from a friend when I was a young mother, “The hardest part of parenting is knowing when to get involved and when to stay out.”
One way to help with social anxiety like that experienced by Shelly’s son Tim is to encourage your child to take small risks in uncomfortable situations, but don’t push too hard. For example, encourage your child to invite a friend with whom they feel comfortable to an activity, but also add one new person.
Always acknowledge their triumphs and encourage them to remember how good it feels. When a new situation comes up, remind them of how well they did previously and how good they felt when they faced a new challenge.
Good luck. With practice, you’ll be calmer and more in control – the first step in helping your anxious child be calmer and more comfortable socially.